Here is a quote to remember, and live by, from "The Hidden Jewel", by Dave and Neta Jackson: "(She) lives as if Jesus Christ were right here in (India), and she were one of His disciples." If only this could be said of each of us!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010 11:55 AM

Freedom! I am beginning to experience freedom from an addiction. Over the past year and a half or so, I have become addicted to living in the past, wanting to go back. I have been dwelling in my past life, mourning over what I've lost, rather than being thankful for what I have gained - a closer walk with God, and a deeper appreciation for His blessings. Some of us are particularly hard-headed (and hard-hearted) and don't learn our lessons well the first time, and so we necessitate more difficult and painful chastisement. God knows exactly what we need in order to live fruitful, Christ-like lives; He knows far better what's good for us than we do (contrary to our natural inclination). He sees the big picture - we only see our present suffering. We can't see the future, and we too easily forget the past. (One of our church fathers) once said, "Thy hand is heavy upon me, Lord, but I rejoice that it is Thy hand, and not another." What a jewel of truth! I praise my all-wise and beneficent Father that His hand is upon me, rather than leaving me alone. "For whom the Lord loves He reproves, even as a father, the son in whom he delights." Proverbs 3:12 "He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently." Proverbs 13:24 Thank you, Father, for loving me in spite of my failures, and for not leaving me alone.
When I read in Exodus about the children of Israel grumbling against Moses (and against God!), even after so many miraculous manifestations of God's providence, and again in the Chronicles and Kings about God's people turning away from him, again and again, to go back to their idolatry, I wonder how they can so quickly and easily fall away. How could they so easily forget? How could they do it over and over again? What foolishness! But then I look at myself - I fall over and over again in only a matter of months or weeks (sometimes days!). Israel's backsliding was over the span of decades. In the wilderness, the children of Israel wanted to go back - back into captivity! - because they didn't have faith to believe that God would take care of them. I wanted to go back too - back to the "security" of what I had known, because I didn't know anything about life being single. Why would I want to go back? Back to being unloved, back to idolatry, back to not knowing God? Lord, please deliver me from wanting to go back. Forgive my unbelief!

Sunday, February 7, 2010 2:11 PM

I am sitting outside on my little porch I enjoy so much, and while it isn't warm, it is - with socks, my jacket, and a hot cup of coffee - pleasant. It's not exactly a sunny day, but the clouds are thin, and I can see patches of bright, promising turquoise through the holes. I can enjoy the patterns of sun and shadow as they move across the view of my hometown that this perch affords me - on the third (and top) floor of the tallest apartment building situated on the highest hill is this complex. I enjoy this view. I love the wide expanse of sky, where I can watch the wonder of God's majesty unfold around me in every weather pattern that moves through this part of North Georgia, in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains. From this vantage point, I can watch the sunrise in all its glory of color and warmth. Although I can't see the sunset in the evening, I am blessed with the flood of color, the richest the day affords, that highlights every tree and rooftop and cloud in my line of sight. I can hear life going on all around me - children playing and shouting, cars, a small prop plane crossing the sky. Birds are singing today, one of my favorite of all God's gifts - a token of the coming spring, a promise of the certainty of life again after the chill grip of winter. I enjoy the breezes that caress me and bring to life music from my windchimes (and sometimes send my papers flying off the table and me scrambling after them). I appreciate the brightness and serenity of this day all the more after the dark, churning tumult of the last few days (or weeks, or months...?). Much of the gloomy and weighty uncertainty has been lifted from me - not so many "when"s and "how long"s and "why"s to frighten me and steal hours from my sleep and years from my life. Well, I do still deal with some "why"s. But my Father - the great Creator of all the beauty around me - is sovereign. Not only is He sovereign, but He is good. I know that the trials and the storms He sends us are for a purpose, and I can rest content in the knowledge that His purpose is for our good. If every day were sunny and warm, I might grow weary of them, or at the very least, cease to appreciate them. The dark days give contrast to the bright ones, and make us prize them all the more. The times in my life when all has been easy, I too quickly grow callous to God's goodness. I become complacent - fat and lazy. Then is when I need the storms to drive me to the refuge of His sheltering arms. For a season, He allows the waves to toss me, to batter me against the shore, to drag me under and threaten to engulf me. Then in the tempest He directs me to the Rock, and I cling to that Rock for my very life. There is no strength left in my fingers for clinging, but He holds me there. His presence brings warmth and life back to my failing spirit, and He revives me. With His help I can breathe again. And eventually, to my joy and delight, I can appreciate the exquisite beauty of the calm after the storm. Have you ever seen a storm spend itself and give way to the unquenchable sun? The glory of that sun shines even brighter as it is reflected on every glistening, freshly-washed surface. The sunset is not as beautiful on a clear evening as it is when there are breaking clouds in the sky. Then those clouds reflect an astonishing and miraculous array of colors as the sun sets. God's goodness and faithfulness are revealed anew to us, and we rejoice in His majesty. I praise God for the sun and the rain, and that He knows exactly when to send each of them into our lives.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Oh well, so much for living....

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Oh Lord, please teach me to depend on You as completely in plenty as I do in want. I cannot live apart from You; when I foolishly turn away from You, and follow after some idolatrous fancy, the sun is gone from my life. All is darkness and cold. These idols may be worthy endeavors, but if I pursue them on my own, for my own glory or benefit, they become idols. If I wait for You, and make it my goal to know You and obey You, all of these things (if they are indeed worthy endeavors) will be added to me. I know You have instructed me to cast my burdens on my Saviour - He is able; I am not. My Father, I thank You and praise You that You are faithful and full of mercy. Please forgive my unfaithfulness, my idolatry, and strengthen my feeble faith. You have showered me with rich blessings, the greatest of which is Your love. My lips should never cease to sing Thy praises!

Friday, January 1, 2010 1:00 AM

Fear is debilitating. I am afraid. If, for one moment, I take my eyes off my Father and try to muddle through on my own, I fall. And when I fall, I lay there for a good while, wallowing in self-pity and paralyzing fear. It's these long, cold winter nights that I feel it the most - alone, unloved, unprotected, incompetent. My biggest fear is that I must go on living, and that nothing is going to get any better than it is now; the best is over - gone. There are too many ways in which I am incapable of living a productive, happy life. If I had found myself in this unenviable position - being divorced - a decade earlier, I might have had a fighting chance. But I'm only days away from my forty-fifth birthday (for crying out loud, that's halfway to ninety!), and I am tired. I can't even honestly say that I'm tired of trying, because I haven't tried. I'm just tired - tired of pain, tired of sorrow, tired of betrayal and lies, tired of life.
...But that's when I take my eyes off of my Father. Of course I am incapable, incompetent, and incomplete on my own! I must be united with Christ, my true Bridegroom, to be whole, and to be able to do anything. "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13. On my own I can do nothing; I am nothing. He is my strength, my joy, my love, my life. Why should I expect to have any of these things - strength, joy, love, or life - without Him? Perhaps that is part of the reason He, in His infinite love and wisdom, took things away from me - things that were idols to me. I was basing my love, strength, and joy on something other than Him. Instead of praising God for the rich blessings in my life and loving Him even more for them, I saw only the gifts, and dropped my eyes from the Giver. What unfaithfulness! What idolatry! Father, please forgive my unfaithfulness! Thank You for being faithful to me, despite my failures. Thank You and praise You for being eternal and unchangeable. And thank You for Your great mercy toward me!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Until a little over two years ago, I had lived a relatively sheltered, happy life - nothing much out of the ordinary, and only the expected difficulties to live through. I had been married almost 25 years to my highschool sweetheart, had seven children, three of whom were married, and four grandchildren. I had experienced the loss of all four of my grandparents, but not until they had lived long and fruitful lives. My parents and siblings, and my husband's parents and siblings, were all still living. We had had some difficulties with our marriage, and with the children, but that wasn't unexpected, and God had faithfully seen us through each of these trials. But in the bounty He had blessed me with, I became complacent. Life was pretty easy. I lost sight of my constant need for a Saviour. It was time for a wake-up call.
That wake-up call came in September of 2007, when my husband informed me that he wanted a divorce. Suddenly I was wide-awake, and I was forced to remember where my strength lay - not in my marriage, not in my family, not in myself, but in Christ. I began reading His Word again (I had let personal devotions fall by the wayside). I began praying again (I had neglected this privilege and responsibility). I wrote down special passages that meant a great deal to me during this time - the darkest time of my life. And He saw me through the difficult months of heartbreak and uncertainty.
The uncertainty came to an end in December, ten days before Christmas, when my husband chose the other woman.
In looking back at that first Christmas, that first New Year, that first spring, when new life was abounding, oddly enough, those were some of the sweetest months of my life. They were difficult - emotionally, financially, and in every conceivable way - but God's providence was so evident, and His presence so necessary and so precious, that I consider those first months some of the most fruitful of my life. My absent husband did give us some money, but not nearly enough to pay all the bills and buy groceries. In God's providence, I learned how to be a good steward. I learned to be frugal, and I learned to be grateful for simple things like food to put on the table. He provided in the most marvelous ways!!! Just when I had spent my last pennies (and I do mean literally, pennies!), and I was wondering where our next meal would come from, someone would show up at the door with a box of groceries. Friends and family - Godly saints, brothers and sisters in Christ - did so much to help us. God has so richly blessed me with parents and siblings (mine and my ex-husband's), and with church family, and precious friends from CFAF. God used these precious people to minister to us. Twice, someone in our church (who remains anonymous) sent gift cards - on one occasion, totaling more than $1300! But the most amazing blessing has been my children. They have been a constant source of support and love. They put aside their own grief to minister to me in mine. They never let me feel alone. Thank you, Father, for the precious children You have given me. Please bless them richly, as they have been a rich blessing to me!