Wednesday, February 17, 2010 11:55 AM

Freedom! I am beginning to experience freedom from an addiction. Over the past year and a half or so, I have become addicted to living in the past, wanting to go back. I have been dwelling in my past life, mourning over what I've lost, rather than being thankful for what I have gained - a closer walk with God, and a deeper appreciation for His blessings. Some of us are particularly hard-headed (and hard-hearted) and don't learn our lessons well the first time, and so we necessitate more difficult and painful chastisement. God knows exactly what we need in order to live fruitful, Christ-like lives; He knows far better what's good for us than we do (contrary to our natural inclination). He sees the big picture - we only see our present suffering. We can't see the future, and we too easily forget the past. (One of our church fathers) once said, "Thy hand is heavy upon me, Lord, but I rejoice that it is Thy hand, and not another." What a jewel of truth! I praise my all-wise and beneficent Father that His hand is upon me, rather than leaving me alone. "For whom the Lord loves He reproves, even as a father, the son in whom he delights." Proverbs 3:12 "He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently." Proverbs 13:24 Thank you, Father, for loving me in spite of my failures, and for not leaving me alone.
When I read in Exodus about the children of Israel grumbling against Moses (and against God!), even after so many miraculous manifestations of God's providence, and again in the Chronicles and Kings about God's people turning away from him, again and again, to go back to their idolatry, I wonder how they can so quickly and easily fall away. How could they so easily forget? How could they do it over and over again? What foolishness! But then I look at myself - I fall over and over again in only a matter of months or weeks (sometimes days!). Israel's backsliding was over the span of decades. In the wilderness, the children of Israel wanted to go back - back into captivity! - because they didn't have faith to believe that God would take care of them. I wanted to go back too - back to the "security" of what I had known, because I didn't know anything about life being single. Why would I want to go back? Back to being unloved, back to idolatry, back to not knowing God? Lord, please deliver me from wanting to go back. Forgive my unbelief!