Time....

There is a time for everything under the sun...   And now it is time for me to begin a new chapter in my life.  The old chapters are done;  however, it it exciting to anticipate what new things the remaining chapters may bring.  The most important thing to remember is that God is the author of my life's story.  He has those future chapters already written!  I don't need to worry about what the future holds, but I do need to participate, and not just spectate, as my life goes by.  So what can I do to be ready for whatever the future may hold?  Be strong, spiritually.  Read, pray, meditate, worship.  Love and adore and commune with my Abba-Father.  Trust in Him completely.  Be strong, physically.  Stop letting my body die.  I have been a terrible steward with the life, health, and time that God has given me.  (Also with the money, children, family, just about everything else He has blessed me with).  But those chapters are over, and moving into the newest chapter, it is time to begin to be a faithful steward.  Be strong, emotionally.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and playing the poor victim.  Other people have been through worse!!  Don't lay down and play dead anymore.  God does actually have a plan for me!  It may include finding someone to love and be loved by, or it may not.  But God will supply all of my needs in Christ.  He should be the fulfillment of all my desires.  My trust rightfully belongs in Him, not in anybody or anything else.  So as long as I am in Him, and continually trying to please Him by being a good steward, what do I have to fear?  Instead, I have everything to be content. 

Today is Another Day...

...And I'm not going to let it go to waste.  So, thus far I've done well on my intake - now to add to my output;  going to do an exercise video, because it's rainy and dreary outside.  Also, I'm going to re-read the verses that got me through the hardest days of my life, and remember what is worth living for.  I used to know those Scriptures by heart;  now I need to go back and renew my acquaintance with them, and add some new ones.  That's what will get me through the day, every day.

Contemplation

Hmmmm.  It's been quite a while since my last entry, obviously not treating this as a true journal of my ups and downs.  There have been too many downs, and I get tired of acknowledging my negativity.  But I need to remind myself of the many reasons I should not be down!  There is family, of course - my main source of thankfulness.  My children, grandchildren, parents, and extended family.  I am truly thankful for each of them - they give me a real reason to keep going.  So many great things are happening with them, too!  Johnny and Daphne are about to buy their first house!!  Lily just celebrated her third birthday.  Joy and Charles are finding their place over in Gwinnet County - Joy enjoying the gym, getting healthy, and going to school, and Charles - he was MADE to be a police officer with Gwinnet County Police!!!!!  Absolute perfect fit!  Julie and Phil are enjoying being in a house, where the kids have a place to play outside and are enjoying their bedrooms!  Plus, they're expecting number six!!!  Josh is hoping to be home in less than two months - home for Thanksgiving this year, home for Christmas this year!!!!!!!!!!!  Joanna and Matt are getting married in less than a month!!!  And expecting their first in April!  (That will make 11 grandchildren!!!).  Joseph is actually enjoying high school at North Forsyth - well, at least to a degree.  JROTC is a big part of that!!!!!  Marine Corps Jr. ROTC!  And Jennifer is growing up, and enjoying middle school at Otwell, where they have a pretty aggressive agenda for her this year!!  (She just turned 13 before school started, so all my kids are teen-aged or older!!!  Three teen-agers and four in their twenties, until December when Joanna will join the ranks of the twenties!).
And me?  Well, it's going on four years since John left, and I still haven't quite found my place.  But this year (2011), I've dated for the first time, begun a successful campaign to lose weight, and started school - and I'm rediscovering my faith, put on hold for far too long.  Still looking for the church I belong in.  So why are there still so many "downs"?  I did great the first few months of the year, losing twenty pounds and going on my first (and second and third and fourth) dates, and REALLY enjoying myself at the 57th Fighter Group dances!!  :)
I can't help noticing (and truly appreciating) that I can still turn heads - even at 200+ pounds!!!  I'm trying to figure that one out.  What is it about me that is that attractive?  The three men I've dated all liked me very much - wanted a second date (one of them got a second one), and wanted to - ummm, well, enjoy some more physical interaction with me.  So they obviously found me attractive.  (They all told me they did, and made it quite clear in their body language as well).  How is this possible?  I'm very flattered - it did wonders for my confidence!!!  But what is it??  I need to figure it out and accentuate what I've got (at least, what's good!).
Now, I've got four weeks (minus two days) until Joanna's wedding, and nothing to wear (that will fit me), and no money to buy a new dress (that I wouldn't look good in anyway, without losing some more weight).  So I am going to drink nothing but water and coffee, and cut out MOST carbs.  There will still be a little sugar in my creamer - although I could buy the sugar-free kind.  Also going to start walking every day, and work up to running.  I've got every reason to do this - I have a dress that would be great to wear to the wedding, but I've got to lose about 20 pounds to fit into it.  I would also be even more attractive to the guys that already think I am!!!  (And hopefully, to some I haven't met yet!!!).  Plus I just plain feel better when I'm thinner and healthier.  Sleep better.  Enjoy life more.  So, by God's grace, which is abundant and life-giving, I'm going to do this.  Lord, help me!

Nostalgia

Just the other day, I listened to some of the old Christmas carols I grew up with. I was playing the vinyl albums on my turntable, which was connected to my computer, so that I would have my favorite Christmas music available on my iPod, my computer, and on cd. These particular songs evoked such a strong sense of nostalgia, I could almost smell the pine needles from the freshly-cut Christmas tree and taste my favorite Christmas dessert - fudgie-scotch squares. I could almost see the hand-made Shrinky Dink ornaments and the real old-fashioned Christmas lights (the big ones that get really hot) on our tree. I was completely immersed in my happy childhood, all my senses reliving the memories of Christmases past.
Music can be such a powerful medium. It can calm you, it can excite you, it can create an ambience, it can alter your mood, and it can take you back in time. Just a few bars from one particular song, and I was a child again, hanging ornaments on the branches of the dark green, pungeant, prickly evergreen tree we had cut from our own property, looking forward to the special baking that Mom did only at Christmas. As I listened to carol after carol (it's a three album collection), I was anticipating each place our old records used to skip - I still remember each one! - and was surprised and almost a little disappointed when the music continued uninterrupted. I bought this collection off of ebay several years ago, absolutely thrilled to find a set identical to the one I grew up with, minus the scratches. (As it turns out, my parents still have their set!).
Having experienced such a powerful nostalgic trip just by listening to the first lines of one of these songs got me thinking about the legacy I am leaving to my children. No, it won't involve money, since I don't have any. The memories I have of my childhood are far more valuable than any amount of money. As a child, I felt loved and secure. Although economic stress and political turmoil swirled around me, I was oblivious. My parents created a happy home for their children, even though things were difficult at times. Am I doing that for my children, or do I burden them with my insecurities and doubts? I am afraid the latter is true in my case.

Let me tell you a little about my family.
I have seven children, and nine grandchildren. They are the light and joy of my life! My firstborn, Johnny, is now twenty-seven and is married to Daphne, and they have two children - Lucien (seven) and Lily (almost two). My eldest daughter, Julie, is married to Phil, and to them have been born five children - Philip (seven), Lucie (five), Eden (three), Ella (two), and Silas (six months). My third child is a daughter, Joy, and she is married to Charles. They have two children, who are miniatures of their parents! - Isaac (two) and Addison (one). Next is Joshua, who turned twenty-one in April and is not married yet. Joanna, my fifth child, is eighteen, and still single. The only two still living at home with me are Joseph, who is fourteen, and Jennifer, who just turned twelve.
I daily praise God for the children he has blessed me with, and for the families that are springing up through them! My strongest hope and most fervent desire for each of them - children, spouses, grandchildren - is that they will each know their Creator, and love Him. I would love to see them happy, successful, surrounded by family and friends, and never knowing hardship.... but none of that compares to fellowship with their Father. If they have Christ, they have all they need. My earnest prayer is for God to draw them to Him, dwell in their hearts, and fill them with His Spirit. May we, as mothers, never cease to pray for our children, and may He grant us the desire of our hearts!

It seems there is a direct correlation between how much time I spend in communion with my Saviour and the amount of hope, peace, and contentment I have in my life. (Ya think?) And to answer a question I posed in an earlier blog (May 27, 2010 - "Why ... am I not dead?"), certainly the answer is because of God's extreme grace. Grace, as you know, implies that this is something I don't deserve. But, because of His grace, I have been given time to repent of my flagrant unbelief, idolatry, and lack of gratitude. It is true that "In Christ I can do all things," and that apart from Him I can do nothing. My life, of late, has been a bleak existence - because I have wandered away from my Shepherd. I have been a ghost of the Mom and Grandma I should have been. What an ungrateful slap-in-the-face, both to my Father who has given me so much more than I deserve, and to those very precious ones in my life that He's given me. My kids have been so patient, so loving, and so supportive through all of this, and what do I give in return? Complaining, whining, moping, feeling sorry for myself... But with what rich blessings I have been blessed! Children, grandchildren, and even more, salvation, adoption into fellowship with Christ.

Going To Hell In A Handbasket

Yup, that's me. Might as well make it complete and kill somebody. I can think of several good candidates....